The Dreams in which I'm dying
by Paranoidgirl
Summary: In the middle of the night after some bad dreams, two damaged individuals talk about life. Or... Death, more precisely.


A/N: Inspired by a drawing I've commissioned ( post/180595118247/commission-for-pgirl1986).

Again, the things discussed here are rather bleak and both Tygan's and Bradford's outlooks on life and death might be considered somewhat disturbing. Please proceed with caution.

* * *

 _Things were chaos. In his head and all around him as the base almost literally crumbled into dust._

 _Whose idea was it to build it underground?_

 _He literally had to dig himself out. From under the metal and the dirt and the bodies._

 _When he finally reached the surface his face was wet with sweat, blood and tears._

 _Gonegonegone._

 _It was all gone..._

When Bradford woke up he just stared at the ceiling for a good while.

"The same damn nightmare…" He muttered to himself as he got up and got dressed. Not a nightmare, he reminded himself. It was a flashback. A memory. That only made things worse.

He looked at the clock. Three in the morning. Far too early to get to work. But he didn't feel like going back to sleep either.

"Time for a drink." He muttered to himself as he made his way to the bar.

The first surprise was that there was already someone there.

The second and biggest one was that it was their head of Science.

"Tygan?" He asked, spotting him sitting on one of the barstools in the corner. This made the other man look up.

"I see you also couldn't sleep." The other man answered him as Bradford simply sat next to him. "Bad dream?"  
"Is it that obvious?" Bradford asked.

"Well, it's why I'm here." Tygan said. "Though I must admit, it's more that my dream didn't feel like a nightmare that makes it in itself, well, nightmare-ish."

"What?" Bradford couldn't help but be somewhat dumbfounded, no idea what it meant.

"Do you remember when you helped me escape ADVENT?" Tygan asked, making things more clear.

"I probably remember it more clearly than you, seeing how the back of your head was a bloody mess." Bradford said as Tygan's hand almost instinctively went to his scar for a second. "You fainted on the Skyranger and spent the good part of two weeks recovering." Bradford couldn't resist a sad smirk. "I can get why that's a part of your life that haunts your dreams."

"Here's where it gets tricky; it doesn't follow what happened step by step. There is a rather important change; I don't survive."

"That… sometimes happens." Bradford said. He had plenty of dreams where he didn't reach the surface.

"But here comes the strange part; I feel… relieved. Happy, even." Tygan admitted, smiling carefully. "Just… the feeling of it being finally over."

Bradford didn't say anything, just stared. This was one of the first times he saw Tygan smile, truly smile…

And it was while talking about dying. Being as familiar with Death as he was, Bradford couldn't help but imagine it. Tygan, bleeding from a massive laserblast wound in his chest, blood seeping from his mouth, smiling sadly as he looked at Bradford. Knowing he was about to die and being completely at peace with it. It terrified him.

"Do you still… feel that way?" He carefully asked. Tygan's smile turned more rigid. Less sincere and more… attempting to comfort.

"Not actively. I have my research to keep me busy and unlike my time with ADVENT, I feel like doing said research has meaning. A goal that I want to reach. I simply don't have time to muse on such things any more." He looked away as his smile dropped. "But the fact I'm having dreams like this… means that it hasn't left me completely. There's still a part of me that seems to long for that relief." He closed his eyes. "For it to be finally over."

"Stop right there." Bradford said, no, ordered, causing Tygan to open his eyes and look at him confused.

"Central?" He asked.

"It's obvious those feelings still linger. And you need to do something about it before they have time to fester. The last thing we need is our Head of Science being suicidal."

"I think 'Suicidal' is somewhat of an exaggeration."

"Still, being alright with dying…"

"I think that in our line of work at least some level of acceptance of it is inevitable." Tygan challenged. "And I'm not even one who gets out in the field."

"There's a difference between accepting that it might happen and being alright with it." Bradford's eyes hardened. "I wouldn't be here if I was alright with dying. I'd still be at the old XCom base, six feet under. Just another corpse in ADVENT's pile. And I don't want that."

"I don't want that either, Central. I just…" Tygan tried, closing his eyes again, trying to formulate what he wanted to say. "I'm not an idiot, Central. I'm very much aware my work at ADVENT has cost lives. Even without actively killing people, I most likely have the most blood on my hands on this entire ship." He looked down at said hands. "Most days I manage to convince myself that if I just work my hardest. Help XCom defeat ADVENT, that I'll be redeemed. But sometimes it just hits me that it won't be enough. It will never be enough. That's when the dreams come." A sigh. "At those days Death… feels like the only way to atone." Central just placed a hand on the other man's shoulder, making him look up.

"It's not. Death means it's over. You can't do any more. If you live… there's always something you can do." Bradford tried. Tygan's faced twinged somewhat. "I know it can be difficult. All of us here, in one way or another, have the deck stacked against us. But we have to keep going. Even if it looks hopeless. Even if ending it all feels like the best thing to do." He squeezed Tygan's shoulder tightly. "We won't make any difference by just being another corpse on the pile." Tygan just looked at him for a while, before nodding.

"I can at least try." He eventually said, managing a small smile which Bradford returned. After that he let go and stretched himself, letting out a big yawn.

"Alright, I think it's time for the both of us to get some shut-eye. Can't really do any of what we just talked about if we're dead on our feet."

"Of course." Tygan said, getting up and heading back to the lab. "Thanks for listening, John." He said as he turned around one last time. Bradford smiled as he too headed back to his living quarters.

"Anytime, Richard. Good night."


End file.
